September 4, 2000
6 a.m..
Sitting in the airport ready to board the plane. Excess baggage checked with only a fee. As long as it gets there. I've been up for 23 hours. I'll be up over 50 hours by the time I go to bed on Tuesday night. Want to sleep-can only dream of international men. I've been waiting for this for so long, that I can't believe it's here.

7 a.m.
I'm sitting on the plane. In a few minutes, it will be, "Au revoir les Etas-Unis!" When I talk to people, they ask if I'm excited. I can't say yes, because I'm not. Right now it's just another plane ride.

9 p.m. Eastern time
This time I've gotten on the plane in Newark, New Jersey, and when I get off I will be at Schiphol Airport, Amsterdam, the Netherlands, Europe. I had a ten hour layover in the airport, and I'm ready to be there. On the plane, I can hear English, Dutch, and maybe French. I can order drinks on the plane if I want. Alcohol sounds gross right now, but it's nice to have the option. Maybe I'm more excited than I thought. "Flight 70 with service to Amsterdam, 5 hours and 39 minutes."

7:10 a.m.
My internal clock is all messed up and I can't sleep. I just had to go lock myself in the bathroom so I could cry. Now my nose is all stuffy. It definitely wasn't a reaction I was expecting. I don't know if it was homesickness, for family and friends. It was good to go to Seattle again before I left, but it made it harder to leave. I feel very alone right now. On this plane, with so many people, I wanted someone to notice I was upset. I just want to shut my eyes and be there when I open them.

September 7, 2000
Well, I'm here. When I got in on Tuesday, I was too tired to marvel. It really didn't seem like a foreign country when the plane landed. My landlord, Max, picked me up at the airport. Smaragdlaan 17 is a very nice little house, very narrow but tall. As soon as we got home, I went to sleep and only woke up to eat something. Yesterday I did registration stuff and just rode my bike around the city. Max showed my the way to Rapenburg, where the International Office is. It was so amazing to realize that I was actually in Holland. There really are windmills in Holland and I've never seen so many bikes in my entire life. I try to speak Dutch, but keep slipping into English. However, most of the time I sit there looking dumb because that seems better than speaking English. I really want to learn the language here! Today we had an international student orientation and I met several people, mostly American.

September 23, 2000
Well, two and a weeks in the Netherlands and I have to say that riding a bike everywhere seems like business as usual, except for those rare twilight zone moments when I think, "Where the hell am I?" The other night, six of us were riding our bikes down a deserted Harlemmerstraat, the main shopping street. It reminded me of being twelve before anyone could drive and bikes were still cool. This morning, I rode my bike to the train station loaded both with a huge trailpack on my back and another backpack balanced on my handlebars. The Dutch carry everything on their bikes. I've seen everything from a mattress to three children!

I really like life in the Netherlands, but I'm frustrated with my inability to use the language. When I use Dutch, it seems like I always default to English, and most of the time people switch to English anyway as soon as they detect my American accent. All of my friends so far are international students-which I love, but I want to get to know Dutch students as well. But they make me very nervous.

The international crowd is very interesting. It's almost like freshman year all over again. The other night at Caf� Einstein was a big drunken room filled with hormones and heartache.

However, this weekend has been a breath of fresh air. I am in a little German town called Forbach in the Black Forest. I never thought the first place outside of the Netherlands I would visit would be Germany. I've been convinced that it would be Paris. We caught a 6:30 am train from Leiden and travelled through the Netherlands to South Eastern Germany. The German landscape is flocked with castles and cathedrals. Forbach is a tiny town with nothing open on the weekends. But here, I don't mind. We stepped off the train, walked under a wooden covered bridge to our hotel, which seems to be family run. There is a "Gastube" at the hotel where we ate dinner, and there was a curly haired Arendale dog spread out asleep on the floor.

This is the first time I have ever faced a language barrier. You have to be creative with communication.

October 1, 2000
Destination: Bruxelles
Companions: Dimitrios, Greek boyfriend of Lithuanian friend, and his French roommate Johann
The Day's Events: Many desserts, smoked salmon ordered by mistake (all I recognized was the "salmon", not the smoked part), attempts to speak French ("Avez-vous les timbres?" "Yes we do, how many would you like?"), a mission for chocolate, mussells in Brussells, pondering the age of the stones we were walking on
Reaction: This is what I expected Europe to be like!

November 5, 2000
I've been in Europe two months to the day. The last three weeks have been hard. I was sick, the weather was awful, combined with an a lot of homesickness and less than the ususal contact with friends from home. The newness has worn off, and the longue duree has set in. I've been very critical of anything Dutch and frustrated with not being able to speak the language and not having anyone to practice with. I hate to hear, "Niet mokelijk." Translated, "It's not possible." But my Austrian friend Ulli who studied in Seattle last year came to visit and she helped. First, it was good to see a familiar face. Second, she's gone through the same thing. Anyway, we went to Amsterdam to the Van Gogh museum and the Anne Frank house on Prisengracht. It helped me to see the beauty of Amsterdam and showing Ulli around also helped me rediscover Leiden. We also found a bagel shop with my creature comfort of cream cheese. She also helped me plan a trip to visit our friend Jean-Pierre who studied with us in Seattle as well, and here I am a week later. After studying French for six years, I'm in France for the first time. JP lives in Combourg, a little village near St. Malo. St. Malo is this meidieval town surrounded by walls on the Brittany Coast looking across the English Channel. I walked around the ramparts of the city which have a magnificent view of the sea. I am now at JP's house and his parents don't speak English.

November 6, 2000
I'm sitting in the aisle of a train going from Caen to Paris. JP and I drove (it's been nice to be in a real car) from his parents' house in Combourg to Caen, where he studied for a year. He's staying here with a friend until he finds a job. I had a reservation for the train at 18:30. Unfortunately, there was a countryside traffic jam so we missed the train. I caught the train at 18:50, but so did everyone else. There are people in the aisles, the foyers, and everyone is really silent and looks pissed off. Very French. At first, I didn't know what to think, but now it's almost amusing. However, had this happened to me two weeks ago in Holland I think I would have had a different reaction. Anyway, spending the weekend with JP's family was amazing. I met his mother, father, and aunt. Yesterday when we arrived at their house, which is a little way into the countryside, lunch was waiting for us. There was bread, tomatos, and diced carrots,and I assumed that was the entire menu. Then they brought out homemade quiche, homegrown green beans, and grilled pork and lamb chops out of the fire place. Then came the Camembuer and Swiss cheese. Then came the cr�me-something or other topped off with hand brewed caf�. Sunday dinner was very similar, except that the pork was replaced by chicken whose friends were still out in the yard, and apple pie for dessert. Neither of JP's parents speak English, so I enjoyed trying to communicate with them. Hopefully this train will get to Paris soon because I'm getting tired of sitting in the damn aisle.

November 9, 2000
I ended up spending the 7th in Paris by myself, because my friends never made it. After my nice ride in the aisle of the train, I arrived at Paris Nord where I had to transfer to the metro to get to my hotel. Apparently, I had a confused look on my face because this strange guy asked me (in French, of course) where I was going. He told me which line to take, then said he would go with me. He tried to carry my bags, but I would let him. He asked, "Est-ce que tu as peur?" I was really uncomfortable and didn't say anything because I didn't think I could be forceful enough in French. He wouldn't go away, and tried to come to my hotel, and waited outside for awhile. He gave me his phone number and told me to call him the next day, which I had no intention of doing. Anyway, other than that, I had a wonderful day in Paris. During the night in the hotel, I mapped out the sites I wanted to see and the metro routes to take. After a petit dejeuner of croissants and cheese, I took the metro from Republique to Montmartre, where I went to Sacre Coeur and climbed 200+ stairs to see an amazing view of the whole city. Then I went to Cimeterie Montmartre, which was very somber and peaceful due to a misty rain. Next I went to the Arc de Triumphe, which looks out over the Champs Elysee and has a close up view of the Tour Eiffle. Then I went to Notre Dame and Sainte Chapelle, then to the Quartier Latin. I "did Paris" ala Americaine. While I know I missed a lot, if I only had one day in Paris in my entire life, I would be satisfied.
Right now I am on an overnight train headed to Switzerland. I will spend two days in Interlocken and two days in Bern to visit Andrea, a Swiss friend I met in Idaho Falls when she studied there in high school. I've had two different American friends tell me that Interlocken was the best place they've been in Europe. However, Andrea laughed when I told her that and said it was too touristy.

November 11, 2000
Interlocken is a lot like summer camp-except there are no rules about drinking and smoking and there is no such thing as a "girl's side" and a "boy's side." This hostel seems to be a mecca for American and Australian backpackers. Yesterday I arrived in Interlocken, checked into the hostel, and was locked out of my room until late in the afternoon, so to kill time I jumped off a cliff. I should probably add that I was attached to a pilot and paraglide. My mother won't believe that I, the child who was deathly afraid of heights, did it. I expected it to be very adreniline pumped, but it was amazingly serene and calming.

November 12, 2000
I've been wondering if I've been changing in the ways that everyone has said I would, "You'll find out so much about yourself." Travelling alone has proven to be a really positive experience for me, I know that. But back to the idea of change, when I was walking past windows in Paris, I kept looking at my reflection in windows to see whether or not I recognized myself. I wonder how much everyone at home has changed.

November 18, 2000
I had an experience in the Red Light District of Amsterdam that I never thought I would have. I met this cute Norweigen boy named Jostijn (some strange Scandinavian name like that)at an international party a few weeks ago, and we went out dancing in Amsterdam with some of his friends who were visiting from the States. After we went dancing, we were walking back to the train station and his friend decided he wanted to do some serious "window shopping" with the intent of purchase. We waited in a frite shop while he made his purchase, which I was not too thrilled about but didn't really want to walk around the Red Light District by myself at 4 am in the morning. It made me think a lot about the whole issue of prostitution in the Netherlands, and while I think it is good that it is out in the open, there was still something very revolting about the whole thing. Anyway, all I know is that I have some advice for Jostijn. Never take a girl shopping for a prositute for your friend.

December 3, 2000
Last week I survived my first Thanksgiving away from home and also cooked my first turkey. I was glad I actually managed to find a turkey in Holland, despite my fear that I had really ordered a really big chicken. When I went into the butcher to ask for a turkey (in English) she showed me a chicken. When I switched to Dutch, I said, "Geen kip, kalkoen," she replied in English that I would have to order it. I ended up with a 13 kilo turkey. Anyway, my friend Vanessa and I spent two days cooking to feed 12 people turkey, mashed potatos, gravy, sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce, cinnamon carrots, green beans, and apple pie. The only thing that was missing was the pumpkin pie, which we could not find the ingredients to even though we went to five grocery stores. If I couldn't have been home, it was the best Thanksgiving I could have had. A few days later, I went to see the arrival of Sinterklaas in Leiden. He comes in a boat with his helper Black Piet and then rides through the town on a white horse. If children are bad, he sends them to Spain (which makes sense given the history of the Dutch Revolt against Phillip the II).

December 25, 2000
Merry Christmas! Joyeaux Noel! Feliz Navidad! Frohe Weinachten! I've been in Austria since Thursday morning staying with Ulli. Jean-Pierre flew in from France to join us. We spent a really nice evening a Ulli's parents for Christmas Eve. Before dinner, we went into the living room where the tree was decorated with beeswax candles and I presented JP and Ulli's dad and brother with Santa Claus hats, which everyone thought was really funny. To start the Christmas ceremonies, Ulli read the Christmas story from Luke, then they put on a CD of traditional Austrian Chistmas carols. Ulli said many families actually sing the carols, but they have to improvise a bit.

December 27, 2000
It's been very interesting to spend a lot of time with JP and Ulli. The three of us come from very different cultures-American, French, and Austrian-and the differences have come out in funny ways, particularily in regards to food, but we've been together for almost 24 hours a day with very few problems. It has been a learning experience for me. For example, we've been in Prague for two days, and the service in restaurants is very very slow. I asked Ulli why they didn't give Americans faster service because wouldn't they know that Americans will always give big tips. Then Ulli pointed out that they may not percieve it the same way I did. Why should they give Americans special service just because they are American? That wasn't what I meant to say, but I guess that is how it came out.

January 1, 2001
It's time to get used to writing a new year. We celebrated New Year's in Graz with a few of Ulli's friends. We climbed up to Schlossberg to watch the fireworks over the city. Then we went down to the city center where there was a big party in the streets. It was a very fun evening and I think that I would like to come back to Austria for a longer period of time and study German. I've picked up quite a few basic phrases only being here for a few weeks, and I think my German got better as I drank more champagne.

January 2, 2001
I'm enjoying travelling, but I'm also looking forward to going home to Leiden. (I can't believe I just wrote "home!"). I curious to meet the new international students and partly to reoriente myself to the Netherlands. I think I will have less time and money for travelling this next semester, and from what JP and Ulli have said, staying put is the best way to learn the language and culture. I really want to learn to like living in Holland. I've signed up for an intermediate Dutch course.

[Post script December 7, 2001:
I have no entries from January 2 to April 5. Between January 17 and February 5, I returned to the United States for a visit to Idaho Falls and Seattle. It was wonderful to see my family and friends, but if I had the choice to make again, I would not have returned home. I initially booked the airplane ticket during October, when it had settled in that I was living in the Netherlands for an entire year and could not stand the thought of not seeing anyone from home for that long. During my stay in Seattle, I lived in the dorms with my friend Winter and pretended to be a Seattle University student for a week. While I was in the United States, I had an absolutely wonderful time, but upon return to Leiden, I sank into a depression like I've never felt before. Most of my friends had been in Leiden for one semester, and returned home in December, so I was very lonely, and the memory of my friends in Seattle was fresh in my memory. I didn't feel like I could relate to the new students very well because they were at a totally different place in the study abroad experience than I was. I spent a month in a cycle of staying up all night so I could call friends at home, and then sleeping all day long. School was not a focal point for me; at my busiest I had class six hours a week. In addition, I didn't have the extra-curricular activities that I do at home. I had too much unstructured time, and I spent most of it trying to figure out how I could leave the Netherlands. I reached a breaking point near the end of February, when I went to the International Office to ask for a refund so I could go home. I was told it was not possible unless it was due to some family emergency or medical reason. After exhausting the option of going home, with the help of Jantien, the manager of the International Office, I was able to find ways to more productively fill my time. I began to work at the International Office and just generally began to enjoy life in the Netherlands again. It also helped that at the end of February, I moved to a new apartment with my friend Polly, which helped relieve the feeling of isolation that I felt at the other house, which was fairly far from the city center.]

April 5, 2001
I've been in the Netherlands exactly seven months to the day. Surprisingly, I'm still here. Right now I'm on a bus full of Dutch people and we're headed to Ypres and other WWI battlesites in Belgium and France. I was supposed to go in November with the other international students, but instead I'm stuck on the Dutch version of the tour. Oh well.

May 11, 2001
So I haven't been very good about keeping up on my experiences in Europe. The last time I wrote I was on my way for the WWI battlesite tour. I guess I should start there. The trip was interesting, I actually learned more useless Dutch vocabulary than I did about WWI. I learned words such as "slachtfelden" (battlesites), "aanfallen" (battles), and "loopgraven" (trenches) which will really help me for day to day conversation. Anyway, I was a little bit upset that I was told the tour would be in English, and it was actually held in Dutch, and also the fact that I was the only international student to go in the spring. I did, however, have the chance to meet several Dutch students who have proven to be very good friends. Mom came to visit in the middle of April. It was good to see her. It was sort of a role reversal though; I was the one who knew all of the answers. It was really good to show her where I was living and what I was doing. I'm glad she came, and at the end of trip we talked about things, and worked out some of the frustration I think we were both feeling. Right now I'm waiting at Schiphol to catch a train to Berlin where I'm meeting my friend Shireen, a Canadian from Vancouver. Then I'm headed to Poland for a week.

May 17, 2001
I am at Auschwitz-Birkinau right now, an hour outside of Krakow. I'm trying to find a way to descibe it. At Auschwitz I, we took a guided tour, and moreso than the actual sites, I was focused on the other tourists. There were so many video cameras and it just made me sick that there was no respect for these sites where so many terrible things happened. I know that I've taken pictures of cemetaries and monuments of WWI, but this is somehow totally different. I just have images right now: piles of shoes, narrow passageways, rows and rows of bunks, frogs in a cistern pond, hair.